we found love...in our hopelessness

Recently I heard the song, "We Found Love" by Rihanna. Can I just say wow! Her music has changed so much since she first started. I began listening to her when I was in 7th grade. I just remember thinking she was absolutely awful. I didn't think she could sing well at all, I mean she really! She was singing a song called, "Pon de Replay"??? Really, no ma'am not ok! But I digress. She really has blossomed and I'm not always ok with her songs, don't get me wrong they're totally catchy but not to appropriate in any means. She's very risque and raunchy, but that's what sells now a days. As awful as it is that's the way things are now.

But that's besides the point. This song really does say something about my life at the moment, and countless others. I often find myself looking for love in the most odd places. Now I am in no way an "experienced" dater, nor have I been in a bunch or relationships. I'd really only consider myself to of officially dated two guys and unofficially one other. All of these relationships really changed me, in many different ways. The most recent relationship did the most damage, but has ultimately led me to a great new horizon and outlook at things.

Upon entering college I had been talking to this guy from whom I connected with over  a Facebook group created for the incoming freshmen in my class. He and I really began to get to know each other. Then once we moved in we found out we were living in the same building, just a few doors down from each other. That made me really excited because it was like I was going to get to really get to know him, not just virtually. Then even greater news hit me, he was rooming with two of my good friends from High School! So now I had perfect reasoning to go over there. So I did! Before I knew it we were hanging out all the time! We would watch movies, go to lunch, and of course KISS! I loved it! I really felt that I had finally found someone for me, someone who would really be there, and really love me.

As we started hanging out more I began to realize something, I wasn't feeling right about what I was doing. I just felt like I was completely going against everything I knew to be right and wrong. Eventually he and I stopped "talking" and really only kissed and what not. I realized this wasn't ok, but loved the attention I was getting so I wouldn't stop. I would go over to his room anytime he wanted me to and really just became Friends with Benefits, which was not something I really wanted but dealt with.

About a week into the "relationship" everything changed! It was no longer about us getting to know each other, it was all about being physical and doing anything to really please him. I can't lie and say I didn't enjoy that, because I really did. My love language has always been physical touch, so to me in a sense this was love even though deep down inside I knew it wasn't. But never the less I didn't stop. I loved the feeling of always having someone there to be with me, even if the relationship was totally based off of physical acts.

After a little over a month of being involved in this I finally turned everything over and ended the relationship. I told him of my feelings and how I didn't feel safe knowing that I wasn't the only one he was doing stuff with. He didn't take it very well at all. I was completely cut off from him. I was never able to see my friends that roomed with anymore. I was completely ignored and talked about by him. I began to feel so alone because I could no longer just go and hang out with him anymore. I had to do my best to avoid him at all cost. It was a horrible feeling. I felt so hated in my own "home".

Through that feeling of loneliness I found a great amount of forgiveness and grace. I had one major break down on a Thursday afternoon, and I just felt so lonely, and as if I meant nothing to no one. I didn't know what to do, through the forgiveness and everything I still felt awful. Something was coming my way though! Something huge! I was going on my first college retreat with Campus Crusades for Christ and I was really excited to finally get the chance to get away from the problems that I'd had since entering college. While I was there, I felt God so close, near, and present that it was almost like I could touch him and feel him! I will never forgot that weekend, and all that it taught me. My faith in God was totally strengthened and will forever stay that way!

After that retreat my problems with the guy didn't go away, and my bad acts weren't taken out of my mind but they were definitely lessened. I found love in a hopeless place. I found Go'd love in all of my hopelessness. It's amazing how he works, right when we think he's left us he's really just gotten even closer with us and he's made us stronger in him :)